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Hey everyone: Dick Cheney here, and I’m delighted to announce a change of ownership here at Vegan.com. Henceforth, I’m running the show and it’ll be me who is calling the shots around here.
A lot of people have been nagging me about sanctioning torture and starting a needless war, yada yada yada. They’re even saying I’ve accumulated some nasty karma. Fine, whatever. So what better way to work all that bad karma off than to throw my full energies into promoting veganism?
Now I know what you’re thinking; I’m not cut out to run a vegan site. But you couldn’t be more mistaken. Take the hunting issue, for instance. I’ve had it up to here with the idea that anti-hunting activists are militant. They’re not. They’re a bunch of candy ass losers who don’t know jack. I shoot pheasant hunters right in the face with a shotgun, and then get them to apologize. I’m hardcore. The real deal.
Or take the connection between diet and health. Honestly, who knows that information better than I do? I’ve had, what, five or seven heart attacks by now? Shit, I’ve lost count. All I can say is that anyone who’s had less than three heart attacks is a total wuss.
Yes, ladies and gentlemen, it has fallen on my shoulders to be the one who leads us to a vegan world. And I assure you that under my leadership, it’s only a matter of time before they’re hanging up the “Mission Accomplished” banner.